It’s Father’s Day But Where Are the Fathers?

It’s Father’s Day But Where Are the Fathers?

Many people will celebrate this National holiday on June 20, 2010 called Father’s Day. This is an opportunity to honor all the father’s in our lives from grandfathers, god father’s, uncles and our own fathers. But what happens when there is no father in the home? There are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.8 million children (approximately 26% of children under 21 in the U.S. today), according to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in November, 2009,

In many cases not only is daddy not in the home but he is not involved in little Johnny’s life either. There are many reasons that may attribute to this:

1. Conflictual relationship with the mother

2. Location

3. No interest

4. Shame, embarrassment, humiliation or other

What’s a mom to do when she is raising her children without the dad? Often I have heard, “My baby doesn’t need a dad. He has me and that’s all he needs.” Does anyone really believe that to be true or does that come from a place of anger, frustration and a need to protect those children from pain and hurt feelings? If it were so easy and it was so true that children did not need fathers young men and young women in the millions would not reflect back to their earlier years and how the absence of that parent has affected who they are—whether for the good or for the bad. As a single mother raising those children, being the mom and the dad you have an enormous responsibility and task at hand. It is a thankless job that leaves you working overtime for no paycheck at the end of the week. However with the enormity of the task it is a job that MUST be done. Though there are many times you think about walking away or actually running away…you cannot do it. Someone has to be there to teach that little girl to be a young lady. You have to do what you can to teach that young boy to be a respectful, strong, driven young man. But the question keeps surfacing—How?

How can a single mother meet the needs of her children when daddy is no longer involved?

· Be willing to receive and seek help from others.

· Find positive male role models (family, friends, church, and mentorship programs).

· Know your limitations and do not beat yourself up about them.

· Allow your child to express their feelings about their missing father without being made to feel that they are betraying you.

The biggest mistake mother’s make is making their children feel it is an “us” against “him” (dad) game. Let me forewarn you that there are no winners in that game and that move will cause you to lose your integrity and down the road any respect your child has built up for you. Children should not be made to pledge allegiance to Team Mom. So when the question is asked, “Where are the fathers?” Many women find themselves working overtime to fill that gap to provide their children with the support they need and deserve. One thing to remember in your journey is that this job is too important to walk or run away from. You may not see the fruits of your labor right away but when you stay committed and connected to the task the payoff in the end is more than worth it.

Tenise M. Wall, is a NYS Certified School Social Worker and Certified Professional Life Coach in private practice providing counseling, coaching and consulting services. She is the 2009 winner of the Tribute to Women of Achievement Award in Orange County in Education. She is a motivational speaker and author of Pain to Purpose—Look What Jesus Did! http://www.WallProfessionalServices.org